Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
