She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
