U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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