Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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