things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
