apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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