Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
