I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just found puke in my bra..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
