dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
