Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
