She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
