"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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