everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Someone signed my nipple.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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