yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
