i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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