Michael Bay diarrhea
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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