i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
