then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
