i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
