the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
