Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
