I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
