I faked an abortion last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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