Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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