I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
