I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
