They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
