so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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