my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
