Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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