SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
