Whod you bang
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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