The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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