Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
