we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
