Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
