I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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