foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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