Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
