Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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