I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
