Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
