I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
