Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
