Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
