I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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