I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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