We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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