just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
