Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
