I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
