im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
