its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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