fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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